Have you ever had one of those days where absolutely nothing goes according to plan and by “according to plan,” I mean within a mile of the vicinity of right?
So far, I’ve had thirty-one days like that in January and … wait, let’s see … yep! Two in February.
I’m not planning my days anymore. It’s sucks my will to live through a straw, right past my gigantic uterus and putrid bladder, winding through all my herniated discs and finally right through my stuffed-up nose.
The post I intended to publish today went *poof* in midair. I have no idea how or why and I got tired of shaking my hard drive like a maraca, waiting for it to fall out. I was going to re-write the entire thing but then I figured, why bother? It’s Tuesday night and the season premiere of Lost is on and by tomorrow morning, I bet no one is going to feel like reading my drivel because we’ll all be too busy banging our heads against a bunch of different walls, yelling OH MY GOD, SERIOUSLY?
So, instead, I’ll just share some of the drivel I post on Twitter because that’s just a simple copy/paste job and won’t make anyone think or work too hard, especially me.
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME, YOU KNOW.
Remember when I joined Twitter? Where you are limited to posts that are 140 characters or less? I’m still there, much to my family’s dismay. This would be the same family who will no longer answer any of my questions without first having me prick my finger and sign a contract in blood entitled STUFF YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TWEET ABOUT SO STOP IT.
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I’ll post when I’m watching TV:
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I’ll post fascinating facts about reptiles:
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I’ll post about my preferences in music:
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I’ll post about sports and the benefits of a routine exercise program:
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I’ll even post job offerings:
I’ll share my feelings:
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I’ll post miscellaneous crap that randomly pops into my head for no apparent reason:
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I’ll post about current events:
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And finally, I’ll post about a miscellaneous body part or two:
If you like being surprised that I am able to tie my own shoes and walk upright, you can follow me here:
As you well know if you’ve spent any time at all on my blog, I suffer from verbal incontinence and am known to use eleventy-three million words when three would have been sufficient, all so I can leave you bewildered and shaking your first at your monitor, shouting THAT’S THIRTEEN MINUTES I’LL NEVER GET BACK. But by reading my Twitter stream where I am forced to express my thoughts in 140 characters or less, you can get the same result and you’ll only have to shout THAT’S FIVE SECONDS I’LL NEVER GET BACK.
I’ve just saved you one entire syllable in addition to twelve minutes and 55 seconds.
Time management.
It’s a calling.
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41 thoughts on “Twitter: Where I prove I have no point in 140 characters or less”
*Chuckling like crazy* oh man i am so happy i found ur blog as miserable as i have been the past few days i cant help but almost laugh up a lung reading ur tweets in this post! TO DAMN FUNNY!! AND i have to totally agree with u on the one tweet when u saod “so is that all you did today?” MAN nothing pisses me off more then being asked that or “so what did ou do today” and id spent the entire day cooking an cleaning!!
.-= Kira’s last blog post is here ..~And the winners are….~ =-.
OMG…the one about J Lo made me laugh so hard that snot actually shot out of my nose. That’s how funny you are. Honestly, you are a riot. And the one about Miley Cyrus…I second that sentiment. The douchebag tweet was especially cool.
If your kids ever think you are uncool and not funny, tell them to talk to my kids. Then they’ll appreciate you a whole lot more.
.-= Helene’s last blog post is here ..Believe it or not, there were some positive moments this week… =-.
oh the hilarity! Such a shitty week for me and such a wonderful post to get me giggling!! I could honestly agree with over half of what you’ve tweeted. 😉
.-= Cheryl’s last blog post is here ..Overheard… =-.
No way Twitter. It already takes me close to an hour to get caught up with my Reader in the morning–though you, I’ll gladly spend 13 minutes on!
.-= Heather T.’s last blog post is here ..Running =-.
*running around banging my head into walls* OH MY GOD, SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Sorry, I’m still trying to wrap my tired, pathetic brain around last night’s Lost…… you were saying?
.-= Heather @ nobody-but-yourself’s last blog post is here ..Kids and world tragedies =-.
ALMOST enough to make me join twitter. Almost. I think I’ll just click on your account from your blog and then absorb 2 minutes worth of 140 characters or less at a time. This way I can drink beer at the same time. 🙂
Well, that was 13 thoroughly enjoyable minutes. SITS sent me over. Glad they did — I’ll be back at least to what you do with the next eleventy-three million (or billion) words.
.-= CCW’s last blog post is here ..Punxsatawney Till =-.
(wow. write much, CCW?) Intended to say I shall be back at least eleventy-three times to see what you do with the next eleventy-three million (or billion) words.
Now, clearly, I *must* get some coffee.
.-= CCW’s last blog post is here ..Punxsatawney Till =-.
Oh my! I love your comment about Karate! I never thought about it quite that way but now I think I would have the same issue!
Thanks for the twitty recap – saves me having to remember to read them on Twitter. No matter how often I try I just can’t get “into it”.
I am also not sure the world needs to know “Cat just walked across my keyboard – AGAIN!”
.-= janmary, n ireland’s last blog post is here ..February Dawn and there’s more to "There’s More"! =-.
Again very funny.
Freezing my f*ckin overies off, now I find that hilarious
.-= Tracy’s last blog post is here ..Happy Birthday Honey =-.
Oh my good God HAHAHAHA… *runs off to follow your twitter*
.-= Mandi’s last blog post is here ..Random Tuesday Thoughts =-.
Oh man. I thought my measurement of fake-loving you here on the innernets had reached it’s limit. I was so wrong.
.-= Kearsie’s last blog post is here ..If you feel lovey dovey and dirty, then this giveaway is for you! =-.
I don’t watch Lost so I’m up for reading. Love your tweets. I need to get back on twitter more often
.-= stacey@Havoc&Mayhem’s last blog post is here ..I’m meme-ing today =-.
ohhhh my goodness u r so funny and have a way with words !
Luv it !!!!
I don’t twitter much…haven’t seen the point of it really. I guess it’s ok, I just don’t have that much to say. I did post one the other day “Customer Comment: ‘This pot says Decaf, does that mean it’s decaf?’ Yes, he really asked that.” I felt it was funny enough to share!
.-= Jayde’s last blog post is here ..Giveaway Winners =-.
OMG! i am laughing so hard and trying not to wake my sleeping 5 month old behind me. I love your blog, and follow you on twitter even though i dont tweet myself. Reading them a second time makes them even funnier.
Thanks for the laughs!
The more I read the more I like. I am cracking up laughing.
.-= Joanna’s last blog post is here ..Do You Wanna Know? =-.
Any time I write something and then lose it, I say “oh I know I should save my work as I go” Then I do the same thing the next time, never saving my work.
.-= Audrey’s last blog post is here ..Chocolate Zucchini Bread =-.
LOVE IT! The Tweet about the mistletoe hanging from his belt buckle? Priceless.
You are one funny gal – great to “meet” you and find your blog!
Wow I thought I put some wack job stuff on Twitter… you might just have me beat. 😉
Now that I think about it. I’ve been a bit lack luster on there lately. Time to throw something out pof left field 😛
.-= Robin’s last blog post is here ..Wordless Wednesday 2/3 =-.
I love you – seriously LOVE you! I am so glad I am NOT the only one who feels that way about Miley!!!!
.-= Brittany’s last blog post is here ..If I Had Extra =-.
Seriously… I needed that laugh. Still laughing.
.-= Dee@ Cocktails With Mom’s last blog post is here ..Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas from Snapfish*Giveaway* =-.
I love your Twitter about Simon-too funny!
I’m glad I’m not the only one on earth that makes 3 words into 50000000 words. I always have to explain until I’m satisfied. I think I’m redundant, but you gotta get the point across right?!
Thank you for the laughs!
you are such a nut andrea. I hate twitter, btw.
trisha
.-= trisha haas’s last blog post is here ..Creating a Foundation to support Bloggers =-.
keep them coming. I am following you on twitter
.-= Kelly W’s last blog post is here ..Wordless Wednesday: Making snow angels =-.
Ya know, I never have been impressed with twitter, lol.
LOL that was very funny!
.-= Jayme’s last blog post is here ..No guest posts from the hubby 🙁 =-.
But…I love your Twitter posts!
Off to make sure I”m following you on Twitter. So funny!
I have a love-hate relationship with Twitter. Seriously. I like to use it, but there’s only so much talking to myself I can do in a day – especially short succinct talking to myself.
LOL Love it! So true- I hardly ever twitter because I feel silly- go you! I need to take your example!
.-= Eve’s last blog post is here ..Goodbye my toxic friend, =-.
love the tweet and some are just nonsense but sometimes there is some good material
I wonder how people can express themselves in short messages. You prove it can be quite clear.
.-= DogsMom’s last blog post is here ..Contest Alert – Giveaway =-.
OMG some of these are HILARIOUS! I can’t even keep reading I’m laughing and crying too hard!
.-= Mandi’s last blog post is here ..Flashback Friday Week 5 =-.
Ha! Luv this ~ a whole day of Twitter! And I eat a whole box of Skinny Cow too!
.-= Cindi @ Moomette’s Magnificents’s last blog post is here ..BlogHer10 Conference Pass Giveaway Coming Up! =-.
Girl you are so funny! LOL! Love it and they way you put things 🙂
Andy, you never cease to make me spitt all over my freaking monitor!
good think I don’t twitter… I get weird looks enough from strangers already!
.-= Faythe@GMT’s last blog post is here ..WW- Snow Fun the "Pre-quel" =-.
Dude, you should sell cars to blind people, because I HATE twitter, and I am now following you. You can dare say you’re that stinkin’ funny. Oh yes, you can. I let you man. I do.
.-= Insanitykim’s last blog post is here ..A Valentine’s Day Giveaway Full of Hugs and Loves that are So Stinking Sweet You’ll Want to Scream! =-.
Days where things don’t go as planned???? Do I have those? OF course I do! Yeah, like everyday of my life, is that bad? Hope yours start shaping up too. 🙁
.-= Kim@Maternity Tights’s last blog post is here ..Plus Size Maternity Clothes =-.