Weekend regurgitation: It’s either this or a stake through the heart and this is a lot less bloody

As I write this, it’s late on Saturday night. Zoe is sleeping at her dad’s, Helena is sleeping at her cousins’, Oliver is sleeping on my feet and if Nate continues to watch morbidly obese, pierced, tattooed, mumu-wearing scary people repossess cars on TV ad nauseam, he will be sleeping on the couch. There are only so many episodes of Operation Repo I can watch before I feel compelled to issue an Amber Alert for my IQ.

I leave you with a post I wrote last year about my garlic spread which is guaranteed to repel the un-dead. I’m pretty sure that includes the morbidly obese, pierced, tattooed, mumu-wearing scary people on Operation Repo.

Happy Sunday, everyone!

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If you want to get it on with any of the Cullens, this is not the post for you

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Several of you asked for my garlic spread recipe after reading last Sunday’s regurgitation post and I decided to share it because I think the world would be much better off if all of us inhabitants wreaked of garlic instead of only a chosen few.

I don’t know about you, but watching as people trample all over each other to remain upwind of me is getting old.

And weird.

From all over the Internet I can hear some of you shouting OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE SECOND RECIPE YOU’VE POSTED. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, A FOODIE?

And to you, I say PISH POSH in a British accent.

Because I’ve always wanted to speak in a British accent and no one in my family will let me and the moment I even try, they all run far away from me, so that leaves you guys to pick up the slack.

Pish posh!

Pish posh, m’gosh!

Pish posh, m’gosh Josh!

That last one had a little bit of an Irish brogue thrown in! Go me!

OK, that’s it for the slack, unless you want me to mix it up with a little bit of an Aussie accent?

I didn’t think so. Thanks for playing.

By the way, I think the fact that I could quite happily bathe in Velveeta excludes me from membership in the foodie club.

Here’s what you’ll need for my garlic spread:

• One head of garlic
• Extra Virgin Olive Oil. I really wanted to say “EVOO which is extra virgin olive oil”  but I was afraid Rachael Ray would sue me for copyright infringement
• One softened, eight ounce building block of life, also known as cream cheese
• ¼ cup of Reason to Live, also known as butter – softened
• ½ teaspoon of salt
• A bunch of chopped scallions. Did you know that my husband’s uncle eats them raw? As in, picks them out of the ground and chews them without first washing all the icky nature off of them? I worry about Uncle Pat sometimes, but only after I pass out from the grossness of it all
• One baguette, sliced thin, on which to serve the spread

And here’s what you do with all this stuff:

1. Tell your in-laws that the party starts at 4:00 p.m., because that way, when they arrive at 5:30, they’ll be on time
2. Remove the outer skin of the garlic head
3. Tune in to your anal retentive side, which comprises 98% of your psyche, and try to peel off every single shred of garlic skin while ignoring the remaining 2%  of your psyche as it yells FOR GOD’S SAKE, IT DOESN’T MATTER, STOP BEING A FREAK OF NATURE
4. Place your *naked* garlic head on a sheet of tin foil
5. Tune in to your childish side because heehee, you said naked
6. Rub some EVOO all over your naked garlic head, making sure to get it into all the crevices. You don’t want to drown it, but you want to make sure the entire head is covered
7. Try to ignore that this is beginning to sound like a cheap porn flick
8. Answer your door and get served with Rachael’s lawsuit barring you from ever uttering the phrase EVOO again
9. Wrap the garlic head in the foil and bake it at 350° for about 25 minutes
10. After about five minutes, say really bad words as your kitchen fills up with smoke and you realize that you should have placed a cookie sheet under the garlic
11. Keep saying the bad words as you throw heavy objects, including your last born, at the smoke alarm to get it to SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY
12. After about 25 minutes, unwrap the garlic and continue to cook it uncovered for about 8 – 10 minutes until it’s really soft and smells so good that you have to restrain yourself from shoving the entire thing into your mouth
13. Let it cool. This is a good time to watch Law & Order: SVU and admire Detective Elliot Stabler for the fine specimen of a manly man he is
14. Remove the garlic pulp. I’d tell you to simply pretend the individual cloves of garlic are zits and squeeze them but that would totally skeeve me out so I’m not going to
15. Mash the garlic pulp into a paste
16. Find your mixer but not the beaters. Or vice-versa. Six of one, half dozen of the other. You get my drift
17. Spend one hour looking for the beaters, only to find them in the last place you look
18. Beat the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy. Just like me! Except not really
19. Beat in the garlic pulp and salt
20. Stir in the green onion
21. Chill. The garlic spread, not you. Although you can chill if you want – I know it always makes my family breathe a sigh of relief, even though they think I don’t know
22. Remove from the fridge about 15 minutes before you serve it
23. Hide in the pantry and eat the whole bowl yourself together with the entire baguette and then stomp around the house shrieking WHO ATE MY GARLIC SPREAD AND BAGUETTE? NOW I HAVE TO GO TO WEGMANS! THANKS A LOT, YOU UNGRATEFUL CRETINS
24. Wait until your entire family passes out from your breath, then gargle with some Listerine and scamper off to Wegmans to buy a veggie platter and call it a day

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For those of you who have no idea who the Cullens are (hi Mom!) they’re the vampire characters in Twilight. I, myself, don’t find any of them attractive except for Rosalie and Alice and since I don’t swing that way – not that there’s anything wrong with that – I have no problem eating this stuff 24/7.

Although I do have issues of abandonment when it’s breezy out while doing so.

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