Welcome to the Barfiarrhea

Do me a favor, will you?

The next time I decide to do something so asinine that it defies all reason like, say, oh, I don’t know … post on my blog that everyone in my family is healthy and no one is puking?

Feel free to come on over, drag me out into the driveway and run me over with your car. And if I protest? Throw it into reverse.

Because not ten hours after I posted yesterday, Zoe was puking … among other things.

Two hours after that, I was puking … among other things.

One hour later, Helena was simply puking, having no desire, for the first time ever, to one-up her sister.

By 7:00 p.m., I was turning every shade of the rainbow and spewing all sorts of various fluids out of every orifice on my body and at one point, I think I saw my spleen go flying across the room and land in our hamper. It was like Linda Blair from the Exorcist had swallowed the Teletubbies and burped God Bless America for five straight hours.

Thankfully, Nate did not come down with any of this and I know exactly why and it’s not because he used up almost an entire can of Lysol spraying it everywhere downstairs, including all over himself. No, it’s because I stood in front of him, green faced, holding my barf bowl under my chin and rolling my eyes while laughing like a deranged lunatic and cackling OH PLEASE. LIKE THAT’S GOING TO HELP. I’LL GET YOU MY PRETTY! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO! EVEN THOUGH WE DON’T HAVE A DOG. Because I was also channelling a slightly delusional Wicked Witch of the East as well.

Nate did not puke or gush anything out of sheer spite. The lengths that man will go to prove me wrong is mind boggling and bathing in Lysol, keeping down a gallon of stomach contents and stapling his sphincter shut is but child’s play if it means that I’m wrong and he’s right about something. And that means, I can no longer complain about the disgusting stench of Lysol because he will simply look at me pointedly and the phrase I TOLD YOU SO will explode out of his head and cop a squat all over my face, without him having to even open his mouth.

But I don’t care because Nate was our hero last night. He pulled his shirt over his nose and moved between Zoe, Helena and me and the three bathrooms we occupied, rubbing our backs, holding our heads, wiping our chins, giving us water and thanking God above that we all have pretty good aim as no sheets, rugs or jammies were defiled in the process. Although to be fair, he hasn’t yet looked in the hamper. At one point, he even picked me up off the floor after I passed out, revived me, took my blood pressure and then proceeded to have an argument with me about whether or not to call an ambulance. I happened to win that one which goes to show the lengths I will go to not be caught even remotely alive outside the house with unshaven armpits and legs.

Today, Nate is working from home because Zoe, Helena and I are busy playing roadkill. At this very moment, he’s at Wegmans picking up some Tylenol and Popsicles. And probably some more Lysol.

I love that man, stapled sphincter and all.



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32 thoughts on “Welcome to the Barfiarrhea”

  1. Pingback: Me? A Bodacious Blogger? | The Pink Chandelier - Nicóle Marrero

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    You didn’t by chance catch all that from my blog? Sorry if you did! Just be thankful **knock on wood** that you don’t have to get stool samples from anyone. If you need to, I can totally help you out—-let me rephrase that, give you excellent instructions from miles and miles away, seeing as that’s what I got to do yesterday for the baby. Blech.

    Hope you guys feel better soon and here’s to Nate not getting it so you all can have someone to keep taking care of you!
    .-= Heather’s last blog post is here ..Just Sayin’ =-.

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    I’m hoping, and hoping, and hoping that what you guys have is the 24-36 hour bug that we had over here at my house right after New Year’s. That way all three of you will be feeling better by tomorrow.

    Also, WELL DONE! to Nate, because my own beloved husband of 15+ years refuses to come within any proximity of any member of his family when they are in such times of distress. Well, he will get up-close-n-personal with the kid, but that is only to be sure she is (a) in the bathroom, (b) the necessary end is aiming into the toilet bowl and (c) all hair and clothing is out of the line of fire. He isn’t really there in a comforting sort of way, though, and the closest he’s ever come to me whilst I moaned in misery from my deathgrip on the porcelain throne in those, my darkest hours, is to yell through the closed door “are you still alive?”

    He will run to Wegmans for saltines and ginger ale, however… but still, to comfort in person x3? WELL DONE Nate!!
    .-= Heather @ nobody-but-yourself’s last blog post is here ..Stuck =-.

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    I have never – I mean never never never ever laughed so hard at someone getting sick. You rock girl! I hope your family gets better quick – and that Nate doesn’t end up getting it yet. Nate is the Man of the Year! (I’m guessing when he posses for the photo shoot he will have his can of Lysol stuffed in his back pocket!) Hang on tight to him – now that the world knows what he can do!

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    Man, nothing keeps your humor down! No matter what those creative juices keep coming up in heaves and waves, over and over all over the place!

    But, hope your food starts staying down and those squirts solidify soon.

    Kudos to hubby man, I don’t know many men who can handle puke. You got a good one there.
    .-= Insanitykim’s last blog post is here ..Insanity Monday: Toilet Paper =-.

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    ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww……soo sorry! i’d almost rather be as sick as i am than have THAT! good for Nate..stepping up to the plate **or pot rather! 😉 hope you feel better.

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    OMG, I am SO sorry. I got food poisoning a few weeks ago and spent an incredibly miserable night. I will never eat at a certain Chinese buffet ever again. Thank God my kids didn’t get sick – there are 3 of us and only 2 bathrooms upstairs!

    Saltine crackers help. Also, plain white rice. Don’t get it at an iffy Chinese buffet, though…
    .-= Dee’s last blog post is here ..This and That =-.

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    Stopping by from SITS. I’m so sorry you were all sick. That is terrible. LOL at your hubs having a stapled sphincter. That’s hilarious.

    I learned my lesson about the healthy thing earlier this year when I told someone that neither of my kids had ever had croup. Less than 24 hours later, my youngest had croup. Not good.
    .-= Kmama’s last blog post is here ..My First Car =-.

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    You’ll excuse me if I laugh, correct? I’m sorry you’re sick, but you haven’t lost your touch for incredibly witty, hilarious subject matter….even if it IS at your expense. Thanks for the giggles…and quit with the shits already. 😉
    .-= Marlene’s last blog post is here ..Colorful Card Challenge =-.

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    LOL, poor thing- I love your take on it! I wish I could write as well as you do- you can take anything and make it sound like I want to be there! 🙂
    .-= Eve’s last blog post is here ..Dear Wallet =-.

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