Where’s the damn oasis everyone keeps yapping about?

sahara_desert_alone

Last night, I dreamed I was stranded in the Sahara Desert.

A barren wasteland of sand.

And grit.

And desolation.

And despair.

And then I dreamed that a camel licked my face and sat on me.

Although that might have been Nate trying to get frisky.

Not sure.

But I was still in the desert.

Covered with a film of sand.

Sand in my hair.

In my eyes.

Up my nose.

In my ears.

Between my teeth.

On my tongue.

In my bra.

Between my toes.

In my armpits.

In my undies.

In every orifice I own.

And a few I didn’t know I even had.

EVERYWHERE.

And then I woke up.

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And realized it wasn’t a dream.

It was reality.

My reality.

Except that instead of sand, it was sawdust.

And instead of the Saraha, it was a little residential neighborhood in upstate New York that I affectionately refer to as Ripping Up Your Stair Runner In A Freak Moment Of Spontaneous Lunacy And Then Refinishing Your Stairs All By Yourselves Which Involves Sanding The Utter Shit Out Of Everything Thirty-Seven Thousand Times And Then Refusing To Vacuum Ever Again Because Unless They Invent Something That Can Suck Up The Universe, It’s Just An Exercise In Useless Stupid Since Sawdust Breeds Like Porno Bunnies Jacked Up On Viagra And This Compels You to Cry Big, Fat Buckets Because You Probably Won’t Be Able To Decorate For Christmas Next Weekend Like You Had Planned Since December 26, 2008 So Out Of Bitterness And Frustration And A Slight Hormonal Imbalance, You Demand That Your Husband Take You Out To Panera For Baked Potato Soup On An Hourly Basis Because Eating Like A Termite Is Not As Awesome As It Sounds And It Doesn’t Matter That Sawdust Probably Has Zero Goddamn Weight Watcher Points Because It Still Tastes Like Crap Even With A Whipped Cream Chaser. And It’s Itchy.

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But at least there are no horny camels.

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23 thoughts on “Where’s the damn oasis everyone keeps yapping about?”

  1. You know I’m sitting here in a house chock-full of hardwood floors that will need to be refinished sometime in the next 5 years, right?

    And you know that we’re too cheap frugal to hire anyone to do it for us, you know, professionals with sawdust-containing/removing machinery and equipment, right?

    Sigh.

    Now is the time when Nate should call up one of those maid service companies and have them come over and clean EVERYTHING for you as an early Christmas/If he ever wants to get any ever again kind of present.

    (Does Nate even read your blog?)

    Speaking of Panera, lunch sometime? Today even maybe?

  2. Sawdust does suck!!!!! We have been thru it many times! One good thing about getting older and I mean older in your 60’s we are done! I love my house and I don’t think we have anything major left to do but paint the metal doors next spring! I can’t beleive I am so old!!!!!!

  3. Hi, stopping by from BPOTW! 🙂

    I live in the desert. I totally feel you. At least you get something pretty and livable when you’re done. At the end of the day, i’m still looking or oasis. LOL

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