Of the “true or false” variety, I mean. Goodness, is it just me, or is this gutter getting rather crowded lately?
Was that your elbow?
Now then … who’s game?
Take a gander at this photo and then answer the questions below:
TRUE or FALSE: We own all the TVs in our neighborhood.
ANSWER: False. No, I’m not messing with you. We only own three of them. Three and a half, if you count the small, ancient one in the basement that goes into anaphylactic shock whenever the treadmill is turned on.
TRUE or FALSE: A universal remote is the stuff of urban legends.
ANSWER: I’m thinking a big, fat HELL YES, especially if you are married to my husband. I mean, did you look at the photo? But let me verify this with Sasquatch and the Loch Ness Monster and maybe even Walt Disney, provided he’s been thawed out from his cryogenic frozen state, and then I’ll get back to you. In the meantime, go have some Pop Rocks candy. Just don’t swig any Coke with them because your stomach will explode and then where will be we?
TRUE or FALSE: According to my husband Nate, if it can’t be wired so that it can be turned on, turned off, opened, closed, dimmed, cooled, heated, sped up, slowed down, raised or lowered by simply pressing a button when sacked out on our living room sofa while alternating between guzzling Ginger Ale and shouting BOOM whenever someone makes a touchdown or a free throw or a law for health care reform, then it has no business existing in the first place.
ANSWER: I’m thinking I should up my life insurance and sleep with one eye open.
TRUE or FALSE: Sometimes a photo is worth a thousand words and they all sound like “Nope. Nope. Nope, not this one. Not this one either. Maybe this one? Shit on a stick. What is this one for? Why is the garage door going up and down? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I JUST WANT TO CHANGE A CHANNEL. Nope. Nope. Nope. This one? OH MY GOD, I JUST TURNED OFF ALL THE LIGHTS IN NEW JERSEY. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
TRUE or FALSE: Nate needs a hobby.
ANSWER: Technically false. Nate needs a new hobby. With any luck, it will come gift-wrapped in a twelve step program.
TRUE or FALSE: Sometimes I dress up as a remote and let Nate channel surf.
ANSWER: I need a new hobby too.