Why I will never design a blog again

  • I’ve discovered that I am deathly allergic to CSS and HTML. By the way, how many doses of epinephrine can you have without dropping dead? I’m up to 429. Am I dead yet? With any luck, I’m simply in psychosis. Or maybe I’ve developed schizophrenic tendencies? If I ever figure it out, I’ll let me know. Then I’ll clue you guys in too.
  • I haven’t seen daylight in three weeks and I’m scaring myself and my family, not to mention the occasional bat.
  • My brother has better things to do than spend three hours on the phone with me, trying to figure out why CSS code works for the entire human population, as well as some higher functioning primates, but not for me. I’m not sure what those things are, but I’m betting they’ve got hair down to there and legs up to here. I have hair and legs, too. In fact, I have hairy legs. But I don’t think he cares.
  • I am constantly in violation of city noise ordinance ยง75.1 which prohibits residents from shrieking epitaphs and emitting blood curdling screams after 10:00 p.m. The fines are killing me and my neighbors are looking at me funny.
  • I am in violation of city ordinance ยง91-3 prohibiting littering. Or rather, my computer is. Just because I throw it out the window doesn’t mean it has to stay out there and make a spectacle of itself on the front lawn, for crying out loud. It’s got a mind of its own, right? It could crawl away if it so chooses. It simply chooses not to, the obstinate, stubborn, spiteful, hideous little beast.
  • Life is too short to spend five days making my navigation buttons pretty. That’s five days more than I ever spent on my own face. If I ever want to add a page to this blog, Nate’s going to have to build me a fountain of youth in our back yard and the last thing he wants is something else to mow around.
  • Life is too short to constantly have to remind myself that life is too short.
  • I am a tweakaholic, which means that I won’t be totally satisfied until I move my navigation menu .235 millimeters to the left. And then back to the right. Twice. Three times on Wednesdays.
  • I am so stressed out that it is entirely possible I may morph into one ginormous cold sore with a raging bladder infection, hives and a stuttering problem. We’ve got a wedding to go to in a couple of weeks and they don’t make dresses in a size HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU? D-d-d-d-do they?

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So if you see a maintenance page on my site soon, no worries! It shouldn’t be there long. With a little luck and lots of liquor and a few illicit narcotics, my new blog will be up and running Wednesday morning!

Or not.

Because Wednesday is April 1 which is April Fool’s Day which is a day that no one should get plastic surgery or launch a website lest they be considered colossal twits.

It says so in the bible, I think.

But it’s too late now because it’s already written in indelible ink on my calendar which is made out of stone so April 1 it is!

I hope to see you here!

And I hope you’ll be reading something other than “This site down for maintenance” or “Here lies the Creative Junkie, a colossal twit. She died on April Fool’s Day, 2009 from a head full of stupid.”

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19 thoughts on “Why I will never design a blog again”

  1. I’d offer you my able assistance, but my assistance wouldn’t be at all able. It would definitely be unable. I mean, have you seen *my* blog? I designed it myself (and by myself, I mean I sat here cramming Cheez Doodles down my throat and gazed in angst at my screen through a Cheez Doodle crumb-n-dust haze and begged Hubby to help me make things justify left, just not TOO left) and it is as boring as can be.

    And it will stay that way, as I don’t ever want to go through that again. The people at Sam’s Club won’t let me buy up their entire supply of Cheez Doodles (you need four of the large, flatbed carts for that by the way) because they said it is unfair to the Cheez Doodle eaters of western NY for me to hog them all. Humph.

    I’d offer you my moral support, but I’m not entirely sure I have adequate morals, so………………. um……… I guess I’ll go with

    Can’t wait until Wednesday to see the beauty you hath wrought!

    And if I ever get my kid back to a state of health adequate for her to return to school (do they make kids repeat kindergarten for excessive absences? is there kindergarten Summer School, and if so, is Mark Harmon involved?), I’d love to do lunch. But only if you promise not to serenade me with and/or request that I participate in a singalong of VeggieTales tunes, because that is practically all I’ve been hearing/doing for the past week straight and I’m now dreaming about animated, musical vegetables – at least *they* have good morals, though.

  2. Oh man. Just realized I didn’t even match up my verb tenses adequately there.

    I blame it on lack of sleep and too much cheerful, morally sufficient children’s music, as well as a husband who snores obliviously on as I lie there in a cold sweat panicking about the kid’s latest health crisis and imagining I’m hearing the cat barfing up the stargazer lilies she keeps eyeballing that I set out in the living room in a vain attempt to convince people they should really make an offer on my house so we can freaking MOVE already.

    Anyhow, please feel free to correct any and all rambly comments I may’ve made on your blog for grammatical and spelling correctness, and I promise I’ll pretend that I’m going to proofread all comments before hitting publish from here on out. (I always say that and I never actually do. Just so you know.)

  3. I can’t wait to see your redesign ๐Ÿ™‚ since I gave up web design as a living I have gone totally other peoples templates for my blog… that I only slightly tweak to death

  4. LOL! You always make me laugh early in the morning! Good Luck with the blog thing. Me, I decided to stay with the basic black. I have enough trouble with our website! BTW, dh and I celebrate our wedding anniversary on April 1st…

  5. Not very encouraging, Andy! I don’t know CSS, but I have just checked a bunch of books out of the library so I can attempt to teach myself enough to redesign my own blog. But I am a Virgo–which is synonymous with “perfectionist.” Doesn’t look good for me, based on your remarks above, lol!

    Can’t wait to see your new design. I think we should prepare to be wowed.

  6. Maybe, I need to have you come over for a debate session with my DH. You seriously are funny girl.

    The blog design thing…I gotta get some alone time to design and get your blinkie up on it. have you seen mine lately? People are complaining they can’t read some of the writing..ugh ugh..

  7. LMAO! You are too funny…

    Lucky for me, my hubby wants to go into computer programming and graphic design, so he knows all that gobbledygook. All I have to do if I want a change is either make him do it (preferable) or sit through three hours of babble while he tries to explain to ME how to do it, and then finally gives up and does it himself. I like the first option, because then I can use those three hours to do anything other than pull my hair out. ๐Ÿ˜›

  8. Looking forward to the “Big Reveal”.

    Is it going to be like Extreme Makeover – will your blog sweep down a grand staircase in an amazing ball gown, will all our humble blogs stand in awe, clapping with tears streaming down our bloggy faces?

    I hope so!!!

  9. I hate the designing part of blogging and blogger seems to hate me alot of the times! To answer your question about my card, YES! It will be for sale at your Hallmark store-yeah!!

  10. I am quite certain that most primates have a better grasp at html and blog design than I do. I would love to have a super fancy blog but it would require me to pay someone to do it (which I won’t cuz I’m cheap) or beg and plead to my computer savvy friends (which I already have done to get my blog to where it is now and I have a feeling my html favors are running out).

  11. I’m a photoshop dropout so I’ll be of no help and if the slightest thing goes wrong with my blog, well I just cry and hope my daughter is in a reasonable mood after work to help me. Helps not really the right word, she just sits down and click, click, click, there it’s fixed and then wanders off. Why do they have no patience with their baby boomer parents who are computer dummies. Gee, how many times did I show her how to tie her shoe laces or when she was little?
    Good luck for your launch, can’t wait.

  12. What a nut you are! BTW I love NUTS. ok like in this case. I have given up on trying to change my page until I have time to really sit down for a week and figure it out. Thanks for the laughs.

  13. LOL! This totally caught my eye, because I too have been trying out html lately. My husband showed me a thing or two and I am a maniac! I am trying really hard to do a layout & background, but I have been getting serious headaches lately from staring at the blasted screen for hours at a time! Good luck to you!

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