I’LL BE BACK. I typed that in my best Terminator voice. Arnold Schwarzenegger would be proud, if he wasn’t busy having illegitimate children with the staff.

OH MY GOD, GUESS WHAT?

I’m still here.

I know!

I can’t believe it either.

I have so much to tell you but my brain is in overdrive and my fingers can’t keep up and they’re all SLOW THE HELL DOWN, STUPID CEREBELLUM, and my brain is all OH YEAH? WHY DON’T YOU COME OVER HERE AND MAKE ME, YOU STUPID DIGITS and my fingers are all OH YEAH? COME OUT FROM BEHIND THAT SKULL AND WE’LL SEE HOW BIG YOUR BALLS ARE and my brain is all OH, GAME ON! YOU LITTLE PIECES OFΒ  … WAIT. I HAVE BALLS?

I’m typing this with eight fingers now because my two middle ones are busy flipping my cerebellum’s genitalia the bird.

Look at that! I still manage to fit some derivative of the word “genitals” into a post that has nothing to do with sex. See? I’m still me.

THAT’SΒ  A GOOD THING.

Just in case you were wondering.

There is no way I can use one blog post to fill you in on all of the unholy crap that has gone down in the last couple of months so for now, I’ll just hit the highlights:

  • I am getting a divorce.
  • Divorce sucks the big wazoo.
  • So does discovering that your marriage was essentially a Jerry Springer/Law & Order SVU combo episode season DVD boxed set in the making.
  • I’m not sure where rock bottom is, never having visited it myself, but if Nate’s sense of direction is accurate, I’m thinking it’s about 45 miles due south of Hell. I’ll let you know when he hits it.
  • It took me a long time to even think about the word “divorce” let alone type it out loud without crying my guts out.
  • *splat* <———- a gut, splashing on my big toe.
  • For the record, I’m not entirely sure what a wazoo is.
  • I went back to work full time as a paralegal in a downtown law firm.
  • I am dealing with all kinds of unbearable stress by buying 637+ pairs of shoes.
  • Some of the shoes in my closet have five inch platform heels.
  • That is seven different kinds of WHAT THE HELL, ANDY?
  • So say my feet.
  • Two weeks ago, I wore tights for the first time in my life.
  • They are exactly like pantyhose except that now, it costs me twice as much to enjoy the sensation of the crotch migrating its way to my knees by noon.

Right now, I am trying to finish my Christmas shopping sometime before Valentine’s Day but I’ll be back soon because when all is said and done, I miss writing my blog.

Really, really miss it.

And while I can no longer write about my marriage to Nate without gouging my eyes out with a spork, I’m confident that life won’t always suck like it does at the moment. This is not the end of my story but simply the end of a chapter. And hopefully, this horribleness will be over soon and my new life will begin and I can sell the rights to my insane life story to Pixar and they’ll make an animated movie of my life and it will be their first R or NC-17 movie and parents will unwittingly take their kids to it because hello? It’s Pixar! And three minutes in, they’ll be shielding their children’s eyes and screaming for their money back so they can pay for therapy and their kids will be crying MOMMY! WHY ARE CREATIVE JUNKIE’S BRAINS EXPLODING ALL OVER THE SCREEN? CAN I HAVE MORE GUMMY BEARS?

My new life will inevitably breed all sorts of new stories and I expect it won’t be too long before I have blog fodder out the ying yang, such as my suspicion that instead of working on her college application essay, my eldest daughter is busy writing my online profile for eharmony.com.

I’M SCARED.

Maybe by the time I’m actually ready to date, I’ll know what a wazoo and a ying yang is.

.

.

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52 thoughts on “I’LL BE BACK. I typed that in my best Terminator voice. Arnold Schwarzenegger would be proud, if he wasn’t busy having illegitimate children with the staff.”

  1. I’d say you’re doing as well as can be expected. This post is very much Andy-esque, except there was no Oliver pooping behind the couch. Has he given up that hobby? Next time, I think you should post shoe porn for those of us still chasing ankle biters in a world where 5″ heels are but a dream.

  2. Yay! So glad to see you are back! As a fellow paralegal I can tell you, the profession has changed a lot in the past ten years. I no longer have to keep tennis shoes at my desk in case I have to “run to the courthouse” but I have to know 10 different computer programs which is soooooo much fun. Not. There is also the fact that the only difference between attorneys and God is that God doesn’t think he’s an attorney [cough cough].

    I’ve never been married but I hear the grief process in a divorce is worse than that of a death. Go ahead and grieve, but don’t wallow. You have two beautiful girls to take care of.

    Keep writing. It’s therapeutic. Nate doesn’t know about the blog does he?!?

  3. So glad to see you back blogging – I’ve really missed reading you every day! I hope your path through the muck gets better each day. Merry Christmas!

  4. I’m so glad to see you back to blogging! You are far too much of a creative junkie to leave it behind! And you’re right…life can’t possibly keep sucking for much longer so just hang in there! You’re already kicking some major booty….you can do this!

  5. Janmary, N Ireland

    Woohooo! The CJ is back!!!!

    Love you lots.

    Merry Christmas to you and the girls and Oliver from Ireland (imagine I’m saying that in my weird/cute Irish accent)

    JM

  6. Good to see you back. You’re right, divorce sucks but the afterlife is soooo very good. You will soon begin to realize how unhappy you were and didn’t even know it. If you’re ready to date, that’s terrific, it took me a year after my divorce was filed to do that. I hated men so much at that point that it wouldn’t have been fair to them to date. Love that you are wearing heals, my feet would absolutely be screaming at me over that.

  7. So glad you’ll be “back with us” on a regular basis. I’ve missed your humor. And men suck. Well, maybe not all men, but Nick sure does.

  8. Oh my gosh Andy, ALL THAT and you’re still funny! It sounds like he was awful, but at least whatever happened at least he didn’t get to take your sense of humor with him. Well…I imagine he did for a little while, but it’s apparently back in spades. πŸ™‚

    And also, I’m already in line to see that Pixar movie. I’ve been scared even when you were only making vague allusions to divorce, bec., after all, you were the one who told me that the view was great from mount-do-over. πŸ™ πŸ™ πŸ™

    However, I think it all boils down to this: “I’m confident that life won’t always suck like it does at the moment.” So very, very, very important to still be able to see that are ups and downs, even when you aren’t in an “up”. Hang in there Andy & again I’m so sorry.

    1. Hey Jill – I’ve often thought of you and my “Mt. Do-Over” statement. I won’t ever regret jumping off that cliff because that chance I took resulted in Helena. But the cliff I jumped off of turned out to be a dormant volcano that erupted horribly six months ago. But that’s MY story. And I refuse to become bitter – I still believe in happily ever afters and I hope one day to find mine. And I’m sure your jump will turn out to be vastly better. πŸ™‚

      1. Hey

        Can’t wait to read your blog more when you feel up to it! You are amazing and I am so glad you have a great attitude! You are making other people happy even though your life is not the greatest right now! Have a wonderful holiday with your sweet daughters! If you ever come to FL I would love to meet you!

        Gwen your cheerleader for your new exciting life!!

  9. You are absolutely right-this is just another chapter in the book-and the next one will be exciting and all about you, and creating a whole new life for you and your girls. It IS scary-but I would venture to guess that you will find a life that you couldn’t imagine NOT living πŸ™‚

  10. Hey girl! Luv you and YAY!! I knew you were here all along…blog land wouldn’t be the same without you! Shoot me a message or call soon, been thinking bout you guys

  11. Aw, just soak the Gummi Bears in rum and the little tykes will sleep riiiiight through all the gory bits.

    Or something like that.

    Glad to see your face around the blog again, hang in there!

  12. It’s all going to be good. I know you’re scared but I can’t wait till you date and we can hear about it. And when you go on an awful date, I can tell you the Sean story and really make you laugh. I’ve never really written the Sean story. But if you need some anonymous fodder for the blog and we can have me positively unidentified, I could share it sometime. Genitalia is involved.

  13. You just made my Monday! So glad to see you back. I hope you and your girls have a Merry Christmas! 2012 is YOUR year, Andy! I just know it!

  14. Welcome back, we missed you! And your wazoo, ying-yang or whatever. And I’m with Stacy, I think the e-harmony thing will give you plenty of blog fodder! Can’t wait! Get going on that app!

  15. Oh my, you need to blog more – cooping it up will only make your fingers swell with words and lettes. Divorce , going back to work as a paralegal – and a kid in the college essay stage – skip the shoes, it’s definitely time to Tanqueray.

  16. We who were all with you before are still with you now and we will always have your back. I love your humor and hope to one day hear the ‘funny version’ of the divorce story …don’t worry one day there WILL be a funny version. In life you are right where you are supposed to be, we find out the reasons later.
    Much Love

  17. I was so excited to see my reader had a (1) next to The Creative Junkie!
    Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You probably rock those tights…in a Hammer time kind of way.
    Hugs!

  18. It is my first time for entering into your blog, but it is really wonderful one. Haha, welcome back and enjoy the experience with us again, we are all waiting.

  19. I didn’t know that you were gone–because I was gone! Glad you’re back –but sorry to hear about your divorce. It does suck but the happily ever after you create will be worth it all….

  20. Hang in there. I can relate with what you are going through. Divorce sucks but life, overall, is good. Smile, even when you don’t feel like it, because you deserve to.

  21. Welcome back Andy!
    As for tights, they DO suck. At least nylon ones. And look ridiculous when putting them on or looking at your yourself in the mirror in tights. Hence, I have some years ago abandoned nylon tights completely.
    My solution is called thigh high nylon stockings. Once the fear wears off, that they will slide down, they are awesome. They look sexy, they don’t bother you and visits to the bathroom are way easier. Oh, and in case you will be ready for dating, I NEVER heard any complaints about them either…

  22. I knew you’d find your funny eventually. I am a little scared of the whole real life Jerry Springer/Law And Order SVU reference. It makes me think of finding your husband in bed with your mother, cousin and a pile of meth on the nightstand.

    Now I need eye bleach. Thanks, Andy. πŸ˜›

    I also think I can help facilitate Nate’s ascension to Rock Bottom Hell. Or at least I have friends who can. Let me know if you’re interested. Waiting for them to get there on their own can be torturous. Making it quick and easy is better for all involved. Especially you.

    I cannot wait until you are blogging regularly again. I miss your posts. And hey, maybe you can find someone on eHarmony. They have that matching test and all. ANd letting Zoe write the bio could get you all kinds of fun. πŸ˜€

  23. Hooray! That you are back, not the life sucking part. Been thinking about you and waiting to see how you’re doing. Glad you are back here. *hug from the other end of the net*

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