Velma moved in last night and her fat, putrid, fetid ass is now entrenched on my lip, blowing it up to twice its size.
She’s my newest cold sore, in case you are freaking out at this moment, wondering if some weird, lesbian porn site hijacked my blog.
So, Velma’s here with a honkin’ big, obnoxious SURPRISE! Except that technically, I wasn’t a bit surprised that she showed up last night because after all, the sun rose in the east yesterday, did it not?
Bitter? Party of one? Your table is ready.
Those of you who are familiar with my blog know that I name my cold sores.
For those of you new to these here parts … I name my cold sores. It’s easier to keep track of them that way. And it gives me something to do to distract me from tearing off the right side of my face and feeding it to the neighbor’s dog.
I won’t bother posting a photo of it … she looks pretty much the same as all of her horrid, inbred relatives, except maybe a bit chubbier.
I have no idea why I’ve been getting so many of them recently. I think they’re brought on by stress and considering some of the stuff that has been going on around here lately, it’s a wonder my entire body hasn’t spontaneously morphed into one gigantic, bloody, oozing lippy afterbirth.
So, I don’t have a regular post today because I’m too busy icing my face and feeling sorry for myself.
But I did find this three minute video which totally cracked me up. I swear, you just can’t get a better source of humor than little kids just being … well, little kids.
This is a current video based on The Marshmallow Experiment from the 1960s when researchers filmed four year olds trying to refrain from eating a marshmallow. The researchers followed their subjects’ progress (the kids, not the marshmallow) through adolescence and found that those who waited and did not eat the marshmallow were better adjusted, more dependable and scored higher on the SAT.
After you watch it, ask yourself: Would I have eaten the marshmallow?
I’m forty-two, sitting here in ten year old sweats and an Old Navy flag t-shirt held together by holes, holding ice packs to my swollen face, wondering how many days worth of clean dishes and underwear we have left, trying to decide if I should take a shower or just spritz myself with Febreze.
I totally ate that marshmallow.