Category Archives for "Quizzes"

Weekend regurgitation: Whirlpool Jet Tour – even the name is sopping wet

Either Mother Nature is incontinent or suffering a rampant bladder infection or just plain bitchy, I have no idea. All I know is that she’s been peeing all over our neck of the woods for, ummm … let’s see … FOREVER.

Helena’s softball season started about three weeks ago and so far, six practices and four games have been canceled, rescheduled and canceled again and again, due to soggy field conditions. Same with the fifth grade’s Cooperative Games Day which was rescheduled twice before being canceled for good this past Friday, leaving me with a deflated ten year old yelling WHY’D I EVEN BOTHER GETTING OUT OF BED THIS YEAR?

I leave you with a multiple choice quickie I posed last year involving another occasion when we found ourselves sopping wet except that time had nothing to do with Mother Nature, unless Mother Nature is a 6’2″ husband who quite possibly failed reading comprehension in school.

Happy Sunday, everyone!

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Who’s game for another multiple choice quickie?

(originally published June, 2010)

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Review the facts and the exhibits provided below and then answer the question(s) to the best of your ability. Or just guess. Whatever.

THE FACTS:

  • Nate planned this excursion himself and surprised his wife and two kids with it on the morning of.
  • Contrary to public opinion, Nate’s wife is in favor of spontaneity, provided it is thoroughly researched to within an inch of its life and comes equipped with a contingency plan. And a few Xanax wouldn’t hurt either.
  • This excursion did not come with a contingency plan.
  • No Xanax either.
  • At check-in, the Whirlpool Jet Boat Tour employees processed the family’s paperwork and suggested they place their change of clothes in a locker adjacent to the dressing room.
  • A change of clothes falls under “research” and totally qualifies as a contingency plan.
  • Someone insisted “The website didn’t say anything about a change of clothes.”
  • This would be the same person who once adamantly insisted to the point of obnoxiousness that The Wedding Song (There is Love) was written and recorded by Art Garfunkel when it was, in fact, written and recorded by Noel Paul Stookey, a fact proven with incontrovertible evidence discovered by this person’s wife in May, 1999 in the music department of Barnes & Noble, located next to the cafe, across from the children’s section. Not that this person’s wife is keeping score or anything.

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EXHIBIT #1: The website for WhirlPool Jet Boat Tours

The website for Whirlpool Jet Boat Tours

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EXHIBIT #2: A close up of Exhibit #1 with added highlights:

What's that, Nate?

Which of the following is most likely to be true, based upon the foregoing facts and visual aids and, if applicable, any prior knowledge you may possess of the dysfunction known as FOR SHIT’S SAKE, WHAT THE HELL,  NATE?

  1. Nate will be getting Hooked on Phonics for Father’s Day.
  2. Hitting a Class 5 rapid head on and having approximately 50,000 gallons of the frigid Niagara River rush up and out your shorts like a mini tsunami is like having a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am quickie with a Viagra infused Abominable Snowman, which is not necessarily a bad thing.
  3. Walking around Niagara Falls afterward with sopping wet shorts is not unlike carrying your own personal, portable air conditioner on your ass.
  4. Having your own personal, portable air conditioner on your ass is actually pretty convenient when it is holyshitcanitgetanyfreakinghotter° outside.
  5. There may be some truth to that whole “every cloud has a silver lining” thing.
  6. Nevertheless, Nate is no longer allowed to run amuk on the Internet and plan spontaneous excursions that expose his wife to nature, especially the wet kind.
  7. The fact that Nate is attached to his laptop by his umbilical cord pretty much negates any reinforcement of #6.
  8. As a direct result of #7, odds are that Nate’s wife will be spontaneously exposed to nature again at some point in the future.
  9. In light of #8, if Nate ever wants to wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am his wife again, he better hope that #5 goddamn well turns out to be true.
  10. All of the above.

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Time for a multiple choice quickie! Or longie. It’s the Octogenarian In Denial version!

Who’s up for a multiple choice question?

I know, I know! You’re all OH MY GOD, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

Remember my 84 year old 85 year old aunt? The one who gets irritated with me because I appear to be physically incapable of mentioning her on this blog without referring to her age? The one who can’t see above sales racks, who drives aimlessly around parking lots while my mother plays enraged air traffic controller?

This one’s in honor of my Aunt VeVe.

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The following statements are all true. Which statement is best supported by the above photograph?

  1. Aunt VeVe loses 1-2 inches of height per year and is now slightly taller than her niece’s dishwasher.
  2. She is going to turn 86 this year.
  3. Aunt VeVe, that is. Not her niece. Or the dishwasher.
  4. Aunt VeVe refused to believe she was going to turn 86 this year because her cardiologist told her she was turning 85, despite the fact that she was born in 1924.
  5. She admonished her niece to be respectful after her niece voiced suspicions that her aunt’s cardiologist might just be an idiot.
  6. Her niece took a deep breath and then pencil to paper whereby she performed actual, real live math by subtracting 1924 from 2010, eventually coming up with a difference of 86.
  7. After declaring “So?” Aunt VeVe then asked her sweaty and mentally exhausted niece if she’d like an aspirin or a paper bag to breath into. Maybe a nap?
  8. Her niece politely declined, even though she was flushed and slightly light headed from all the exertion.
  9. Aunt VeVe proceeded to disregard the logic and maintained that she would turn 85 this year simply because her cardiologist said so.
  10. Her niece’s left eye started to twitch.
  11. In an attempt to prove her assertion once and for all, Aunt VeVe took the same pencil to new paper and, starting with the year 1924, wrote down every single year up through and including the year 2010 and then wrote down her respective age at each year, beginning with an amniotic fluid covered zero.
  12. By the time Aunt VeVe got to 1948, both of her niece’s eyes were twitching.
  13. By the time she got to 1963, her niece developed sudden onset Tourettes and spontaneously shouted out streams of profanity regarding cardiologists and their mothers and the specific places into which they could all jam their stethoscopes.
  14. By the time she got to 1979, her niece had grabbed her aunt’s yarn basket and crocheted a reasonable facsimile of a cardiologist and then proceeded to stab him multiple times in the heart with shiny blue knitting needles.
  15. By the time she got to 1999, her niece didn’t care if her aunt was going to turn 86 or 2, she just wanted the blood to stop gushing around her cerebral cortex and the red and purple polka dotted pygmy elephants flying around the room to go away and those goddamn screaming lambs to SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
  16. By the time she got to 2010, Aunt VeVe discovered that not only was she going to turn 86 this year, but also that her niece had an uncanny ability to spin her head around 360° multiple times while singing I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt and riding backwards on a phantom kangaroo all around the living room.
  17. Aunt VeVe bowls once a week.

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Another multiple choice quickie! The “I Am Not A Whore” edition. Or, the “Do Not Blog With Allergies” edition.

Ready? Set! Here we go:

The above photo is evidence of which of the following:

(1) That I am a hair product whore.

To clarify … I’m a professional hair product whore. Better yet, I’m a professional hair salon product whore.

What I mean to say is … I’m a whore for professional hair salon products, not a professional whore.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

Just so we’re clear … I’m not dissing professional whores. Or amateur ones either! We all have to start somewhere, right?

And by we, I mean “we as a people” not “we” as in you and me because I’m not a professional whore and you probably aren’t either.

Unless you are? In which case, go you! Must be nice to have people spend money on you!

So to clarify:  (a) I am not a professional whore; (b) I am a professional hair salon product whore; (c) I’m not dissing whores; (d) I’m not calling you a whore unless you want me to because you really are one in which case, you go whore! Way to represent! And finally, (e) I think it’s nice that people spend money on whores.

(2)  That when it comes to hair product, I obviously cannot make up my mind. Actually, when it comes to anything, really, although you can’t really tell that from this photo. Can you? Regardless, I am indecisive. Or wishy-washy. Unsure? Ambivalent? No, it’s indecisive. Definitely indecisive. Wait! Maybe vacillating?

(3) That I am gullible, susceptible, or otherwise easily influenced, persuaded, convinced or whatever synonym describes a beauty advertiser’s wet dream. In a nutshell, it if were made to smell like lemon drops and packaged in something shiny and neatly stacked on the shelves of ULTA or Sephora, I would buy my own poo, even if I didn’t have a coupon and it wasn’t on sale.

(4) Is anyone still reading this?

(5) If you made it this far, I’m sorry I called you a whore. Even though I don’t think I did, really? But I apologize, nevertheless. Because I’m nice like that. You know what else would be nice? If we lived in a world where we could call each other whore and not be insulted. I mean, whores are people too and they need awesome looking hair, just like the rest of us. In fact, they probably need it more than us, when you think about it. Who wants a whore with crappy hair? And, of course, it goes without saying that by “us,” I mean those of us who are not whores. Why do people say “it goes without saying” and then proceed to say whatever is supposed to go without saying?

(6) That I should not blog after taking an antihistamine.

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Time for another multiple choice quickie!

Yay for quickies! The world doesn’t have enough of them if you ask me.

Nobody asks me.

Here we go:

It is ten o’clock at night after a miserably long, stressful, unproductive day, the highlight of which occurred five minutes prior when your puppy sat on your bare feet and proceeded to barf up big chunks of pepperoni that your husband had left on the coffee table because apparently, your recent request of him to not leave food lying around on coffee tables was spoken in Braille which you would think would not be lost in translation by your husband since he’s deaf to you 99.2% of the time but alas, you would think wrong.

You gingerly maneuver around four heaping laundry baskets to avoid the damp, two foot wide perimeter aftermath of Nature’s Miracle which you know all to well does nothing to prevent your puppy from splashing the same area with bodily fluids tomorrow but which you still use nevertheless because at least you’re doing something about the situation instead of simply spraying the area with curse words which has proven totally ineffective as evidenced by your miserably long, stressful, unproductive day thus far. You collapse upon the couch next to your husband, sigh heavily and muse out loud “God! What a shit day. I wish I knew what to do with my life. You know? Ever feel that way sometimes? Like you’re just kind of existing but not actually living? Know what I mean?”

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From the choices below, choose the best response that can offered by your husband so that he will survive the next five minutes of his life without having his ass chewed off, ground up and spit out by a rusty weed whacker:

  1. “No.”
  2. “You want to know what your problem is?”
  3. “Hey, did you eat my pepperoni?”
  4. “Can you move your knee? I can’t see the forty yard line.”
  5. *no response; too busy checking email*
  6. “Huh? Did you say something?”
  7. “Identify the root cause of your problem, analyze the best potential solution and implement it. I’ll boot up my PowerPoint and show you.”
  8. *no response; you apparently also muse in Braille*
  9. “Yes? Sometimes? Maybe? Which answer winds up with us naked?”

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And the answer is …. 10. None of the above. The Assless Wonder was screwed long before the puppy puke hit the floor, right around the same time he deleted all your DVR recordings of Real Housewives of New Jersey to make room for Thursday night football.

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Who’s game for another multiple choice quickie?

THE FACTS:

  • Nate planned this excursion himself and surprised his wife and two kids with it on the morning of.
  • Contrary to public opinion, Nate’s wife is in favor of spontaneity, provided it is thoroughly researched to within an inch of its life and comes equipped with a contingency plan. And a few Xanax wouldn’t hurt either.
  • This excursion did not come with a contingency plan.
  • No Xanax either.
  • At check-in, the Whirlpool Jet Boat Tour employees processed the family’s paperwork and suggested they place their change of clothes in a locker adjacent to the dressing room.
  • A change of clothes falls under “research” and totally qualifies as a contingency plan.
  • Someone insisted “The website didn’t say anything about a change of clothes.”
  • This would be the same person who once adamantly insisted to the point of obnoxiousness that The Wedding Song (There is Love) was written and recorded by Art Garfunkel when it was, in fact, written and recorded by Noel Paul Stookey, a fact proven with incontrovertible evidence discovered by this person’s wife in May, 1999 in the music department of Barnes & Noble, located next to the cafe, across from the children’s section. Not that this person’s wife is keeping score or anything.

.

EXHIBIT #1: The website for WhirlPool Jet Boat Tours

.

EXHIBIT #2: A close up of Exhibit #1 with added highlights:

Which of the following is most likely to be true, based upon the foregoing facts and visual aids and, if applicable, any prior knowledge you may possess of the dysfunction known as FOR SHIT’S SAKE, WHAT THE HELL,  NATE?

  1. Nate will be getting Hooked on Phonics for Father’s Day.
  2. Hitting a Class 5 rapid head on and having approximately 50,000 gallons of the frigid Niagara River rush up and out your shorts like a mini tsunami is like having a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am quickie with a Viagra infused Abominable Snowman, which is not necessarily a bad thing.
  3. Walking around Niagara Falls afterward with sopping wet shorts is not unlike carrying your own personal, portable air conditioner on your ass.
  4. Having your own personal, portable air conditioner on your ass is actually pretty convenient when it is holyshitcanitgetanyfreakinghotter° outside.
  5. There may be some truth to that whole “every cloud has a silver lining” thing.
  6. Nevertheless, Nate is no longer allowed to run amuck on the Internet and plan spontaneous excursions that expose his wife to nature, especially the wet kind.
  7. The fact that Nate is attached to his laptop by his umbilical cord pretty much negates any reinforcement of #6.
  8. As a direct result of #7, odds are that Nate’s wife will be spontaneously exposed to nature again at some point in the future.
  9. In light of #8, if Nate ever wants to wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am his wife again, he better hope that #5 goddamn well turns out to be true.
  10. All of the above.

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