Who am I?

After two years of staring at the same old thing, I just uploaded a new photo of myself and I thought that maybe I should update my About Me page as well because I’m doing pretty much anything I can to waste time and avoid scrubbing the pot I cooked chicken in last night. I’ve written everything that is new in boldface type so that you can easily distinguish it from the old because I am still excessively anal with OCD tendencies. That’s not in boldface type because that will never change.

This is me, crooked glasses and all. Surprise! My glasses are not crooked. Just my head. So I still see the world wonky. I’m OK with that.

I debated on whether or not to post this photo because I loathe pictures of myself. But then I discovered that when I hold the camera up really high and just glanced up with my eyes, the camera made my face quite a bit thinner than God made it. Thus, my self-portrait didn’t make me wretch into my garbage can. A little bile, maybe, but that’s OK. I never liked that garbage can anyway. <— This whole paragraph is still accurate except I got a new garbage can. Not in love with it so the bile thing still holds true.

And if I squinch up my eyes and hum I’m Too Sexy for my Shirt while standing on one leg, I don’t even notice my disembodied head. Try it! I don’t have a disembodied head in this shot. You can see my neck quite clearly. I didn’t even Photoshop the wrinkles out of it! But only because I’m lazy.

I still debated on posting it, though. Then I got tired of arguing with myself because I never listen and I keep interrupting myself and I never let myself get a word in edgewise. It’s simply exhausting. <— Still true.

So get a good looksie here, because you won’t be seeing too many photos of myself around here until I lose forty pounds the hard way, or I get so good at Photoshop that I lose forty pounds the easy way. I wound up losing 45 pounds the hard way, with *gag* exercise and healthy eating and everything. I now eat so many fiber bars that I can pretty much fuel up my car all on my own by simply removing the gas cap and leaning backwards. It’s my contribution to going green.

A little bit about me:

  • My full name is Andrea Chamberlain but I’m usually called Andy, unless my mother is pissed off as all get-out and then it’s AN-DREEEEEE-A accompanied by a freakishly high eyebrow arch.
  • I am a stay-at-home mom single, full-time working mom. In other words, I’m exhausted.
  • Speaking of kids, I have two of them. Zoe and Helena. Both girls. One’s a teenager. Hey Mom? About that karma thing? I TOTALLY GET IT NOW.
  • I have a tendency to treat inanimate objects as if they are capable of cognitive thought.
  • My washing machine dances all over the laundry room when it thinks I’m not looking. We recently purchased a new front loaders. I’m calling them “Arm” and “Leg.” They’ve replaced my old ones which I affectionately called “F” and “U.”
  • I’m married to a tall, dark, handsome IT guy named Nate who is on a mission to buy everything off the Internet when I’m not looking. I am divorced. Not much else to say about that.
  • We don’t have pets because I was relieved of poo duty years ago. Due to a momentary lapse of lucidity, we now have Oliver, a seven pound shih-poo who poops behind the couch. All I can say about that is at least he doesn’t eat it. That would be a deal breaker, much like it was with my kids when I brought them home.
  • I am 5’2″ with freakishly pointy elbows.
  • I’m prone to letting an expletive or two fly. To the surprise of many including myself, my youngest daughter’s first words were not “shit shit shit.”
  • I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs. Now.
  • Time travel causes my brain to throw up, but somehow, I can’t tear myself away from LOST pretty much any programming on Bravo because who knew botoxed housewives could be so morbidly fascinating? However, none of them time travel. So this entire bullet point makes no sense. But that’s OK. Consider this a trial run for the rest of my blog.
  • I’m a self-proclaimed enigma.



55 thoughts on “Who am I?”

  1. Avatar

    Woo! LOVING the new photo! If you look at my official (*snort*) picture for my blog/Twitter/Facebook, you’ll note I do the same exact thing. Less successfully than your pic though – apparently along with your freakishly pointed elbows, you also have Extendo-Arms and got a better distance from camera to face.

    Well done on the whole site redesign. You, madame, are the shizzle. Can I get a what-what? You are hawt. You are all that AND a bag of chips. Raise the roof!

    Okay, I’m out of dated ways of saying “cool” so I’ll stop now. Go you!

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    Great picture! Not even tipped like all my pictures!!!!!!You are a very interesting writer! I really enjoy your blog even if I don’t know how to do that much on a computer!

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    Well from one potty mouth to another just remember…they are just words. This was taught to me by my then 7 year old son many years ago. He doesn’t like soap.
    George Carlin had nothing on me. Seven words indeed.
    I can’t take my own picture that way because my short arms wouldn’t reach far enough away to take a picture of anything other than the inside of my nose.
    I love your sense of humour.

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    I really enjoy your style of writing… parenting is fun… trying, but fun. I hope your tag does enjoy hanging on my site… I just added it to my site.


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    Glad you had a good time in NYC. The hookers aren’t in Times Square any more. They are either outside the Holland Tunnel, or over on 8th Avenue.
    That’s what I’ve heard, anyway.

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    Ok, after this last post i really must know- are you from the Western NY area? The only reason I ask is cause you seem to frequent Weggies a bit much and the old lady was drinking a buttload of genny. And NO ONE from outside NY drinks that stuff hahaha I am from the Buffalo area and would love you claim you as my own. Can I? Huh HUH??

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    So you know. My mother’s washing machine does the dance too. Only sometimes, the dryer gets jealous and throws up the clothes all over the place.

    BTW you look more like Heidi Klum to me.

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    You are very cute. You look a lot like my friend Little Judy, who I think is adorable and that I’m pretty sure would fit in my coat pocket. We call her “Little Judy” because she is one of four Judys in our group. And no—-there isn’t a Big Judy. That would just be wrong.
    Lucky you—a teenaged daughter. I know she probably hates your slimy guts right now, but in a couple of years she’ll be your best friend. Unlike a son, who will run off with some hussy and you’ll never see him.
    Cool blog. Read mine. It’s got all of 3 entries.

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    I know one thing, you sure are funny. I’m glad I stumbled along your blog, because I will keep checking back often. Wish I could have gotten in on the ear ring give away. O well.

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    I love your picture! You have great features! My features turn blobbish on me – I practiced smiling for a whole year before my oldest son got married just so I wouldn’t look old and blobbish + I used Oprah’s smile method! LOL

    I was worried my sons would go to church saying, “Damn it all to hell.” – I try not to say that one anymore!
    I love your voice!

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    My brother’s name was Andrew, and I was insanely jealous, because I wanted to be called Andy. Or any boy’s name really. Except Al, which was the only natural boys name shortening of Alison.

    So I’d be insanely jealous of you too if I wasn’t now a very sensible 39 year old who still speaks to inanimate objects. I have to, otherwise he won’t take out the rubbish.

    Love your blog!

  12. Avatar

    Love it. Visiting from SITS! My washing machine is trying to run away from home, too. I didn’t know if that was normal or not as it’s my first top loader. Didn’t know who to ask without appearing totally stupid. Um, and my daughter calls the bridge we cross on the way to town the “Kaw Lake Dam IT Bridge”. Yeah, I so totally get it.

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    Love the photo! I have a daughter named Andrea. I call her Andie most of the time. It’s only when I’m really pissed off that I call her (okay, yell at her ) “Andrea.” She’s an adult now and doesn’t live at home, so she’s my little Andie more often than not.

    Thanks for the intro!

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    Nice to meet you! I think that photo is great! I totally get the Karma thing with the kids. I only have one and she is almost 6 and I am getting repaid already!

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    Hey Andy, just read your blog about Bells Palsy…..laughed my @$$ off. My husband has just been (self)diagnosed with it and it is a little disconcerting as one eye blinks and the other won’t….much like the “lazy eyed girl” which eye do u look at? Anyways made me laugh and I look forward to his recovery as the pool of water falling from his mouth when he drinks is getting deeper, and my hairless cat can’t swim.

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    OK…..so I am a day late and a dollar short (actually alot of dollars short – therefore can’t buy any of Harry’s GORGEOUS jewellery since my original purchase years ago) BUT….
    I just found your site and may I say YOU ROCK! Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful humor….MUCH needed 🙂

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    You are very cute. You look a lot like my friend Little Judy, who I think is adorable and that I’m pretty sure would fit in my coat pocket. We call her “Little Judy” because she is one of four Judys in our group. And no—-there isn’t a Big Judy. That would just be wrong.Lucky you—a teenaged daughter. I know she probably hates your slimy guts right now, but in a couple of years she’ll be your best friend. Unlike a son, who will run off with some hussy and you’ll never see him.Cool blog. Read mine. It’s got all of 3 entries.

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    My husband treats objects like they are alive too. I hear him in the kitchen talking to a Dilbert mug or something, “You will NOT fall on the floor. No, no.” Mostly it’s stuff that, in all fairness, moves. Like when you put something in a very full trash can and it slides off the mound of crap. It makes me happy to see you do stuff like that too.

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    I stumbled on your blog by accident. I haven’t stopped smiling since! Your sense of humor is refreshing and seriously addicting! I passed your blog on to my girlfriends so they can smile and laugh too. Please don’t ever stop writing. We need you! 😀

  20. Avatar

    Hi Andy ,
    Stumbbled across your blog, trying to find out what Grab Button is… But who really cares now…

    An hour has passed it’s Sunday evening here in Australia, i’ve now had a great laugh at your expense (I know you don’t mind) and I’m off to cook dinner now.

    I’m also a stay at home mum with two children and a shitzu and I’m a full time internet Marketer.

    Blog’s, especially in my niche, can be so utterly boring sometimes…. I just loved your’s and will be back.

    Warm regards,


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    Wow! I can’t believe there is another person out there who treats inanimate objects as though they were living things. I have full blown conversations with my toaster over and refrigerator (both of whom HATE me for some unknown reason) on a daily basis. Until now, I thought something was wrong with me. Now I know otherwise. SO glad to have found you! I am brand spanking new to the world of blogging and I enjoy your posts! I find myself laughing out loud and consequently peeing a little ( I AM over 40 you know) Anyway, pleasure to virtually meet you! I will be following!

    Lori (aka Lola)

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    I have found my twisted soulmate…..
    What are the stalking laws in your area??
    Down here, way down here, in the “big toe of Texas” no one understands my sense of humor. It was fate that led me to your blog, and I have been laughing ever since….
    You have 2 girls, I have 4 boys ranging from 20 (still living at home like a bomarang) to 6yrs. A little testosterone overload !!! I get a female dog (which I fixed) to share my monthly with……
    Look forward to more intimate ( and imaginary) conversations with you.

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    Yay!!!! Another person with freakishly pointy elbows!!!! I didn’t even know it until somebody pointed it out to me (a BOY of course). But now that I’ve learned Tae Kwon Do, I rather embrace the awesome extra punch they give to my elbow strikes! Ai-YA! Take that you people with normal elbows!
    (P.S. I’m a friend of Carolyn D. in Richmond, so that’s how I found you!)

  24. Avatar
    Lucia Pinizotti

    I wasn’t bored, I was intrigued! You my dear are absolutely FABulous! At the risk of using too many superlatives – and losing the sincerity here – you truly are a fresh voice in a sea of ho-hum! Interesting, relevant, and funny as hell (not that hell is funny, that is of course, unless you happen to get your jollies goosing other people with a pitchfork). Okay, I digress – back to you. Thanks for making me smile. Warm regards from a happy reader.

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    I stumble upon your blog (I can’t even remember how) and I just want to say that I love your sense of humor. It’s still 8 AM here but I can definitely say that you made my day already. More powers to you.

    And for the record, you look good. Like a smart executive or something.

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    I just want you to know that neck wrinkles (and arm wrinkles) go all the way back to having baby fat as an infant. There’s no reason to be self conscious of them, unless you really think you could have stood to lose a few as a baby. 😛

    In other news, I really enjoyed reading your about me because I can somewhat relate to the perfectionist tendencies. I’m currently agonizing over what buttons to choose for a button tree I’m making. Nobody would know the difference if I went with Christmas brights or muted hues, but if I do something, I want it to be the best it could possibly be.

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    Damn! You are witty!

    I might drop in and read your blog again one day. Probably not cuz I suffer from excessive forgetfulness. But hey. At least I was here once, and had enough patience to read all about you.

  28. Avatar

    I love reading what you write. You’re on-screen discussions with yourself remind me a lot about what happens inside my head ALL THE TIME. I know you are going through a difficult time right now but I am sending you best wishes and and much love, even though you don’t know me. Hang in there – someday it will ALL make sense, I truly believe that. Someone with wit like yours can’t possibly come out holding the short stick. Just remember to take care of yourself. Be well, and Merry Christmas

  29. Avatar

    I totally apologize to inanimate objects all of the time. Sometimes I’ll even apologize to the animate ones.

    We may be related, crooked head, pointy elbows, and all. If we are, I’ll be fully taking advantage of towering over you with my extra 2 inches.

    Oh, and I have been known to say that I swear like a drunken sailor’s mother. Ironically, I’m married to a “sailor” who has a mother that doesn’t swear.

  30. Avatar

    Hmm it appears lioke your blog ate my first comment (it was
    super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I had written and say,
    I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I as well am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still
    new to everything. Do you have any points for
    newbie blog writers? I’d really appreciate it.

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