Who am I?
After two years of staring at the same old thing, I just uploaded a new photo of myself and I thought that maybe I should update my About Me page as well because I’m doing pretty much anything I can to waste time and avoid scrubbing the pot I cooked chicken in last night. I’ve written everything that is new in boldface type so that you can easily distinguish it from the old because I am still excessively anal with OCD tendencies. That’s not in boldface type because that will never change.
This is me, crooked glasses and all. Surprise! My glasses are not crooked. Just my head. So I still see the world wonky. I’m OK with that.
I debated on whether or not to post this photo because I loathe pictures of myself. But then I discovered that when I hold the camera up really high and just glanced up with my eyes, the camera made my face quite a bit thinner than God made it. Thus, my self-portrait didn’t make me wretch into my garbage can. A little bile, maybe, but that’s OK. I never liked that garbage can anyway. <— This whole paragraph is still accurate except I got a new garbage can. Not in love with it so the bile thing still holds true.
And if I squinch up my eyes and hum I’m Too Sexy for my Shirt while standing on one leg, I don’t even notice my disembodied head. Try it! I don’t have a disembodied head in this shot. You can see my neck quite clearly. I didn’t even Photoshop the wrinkles out of it! But only because I’m lazy.
I still debated on posting it, though. Then I got tired of arguing with myself because I never listen and I keep interrupting myself and I never let myself get a word in edgewise. It’s simply exhausting. <— Still true.
So get a good looksie here, because you won’t be seeing too many photos of myself around here until I lose forty pounds the hard way, or I get so good at Photoshop that I lose forty pounds the easy way. I wound up losing 45 pounds the hard way, with *gag* exercise and healthy eating and everything. I now eat so many fiber bars that I can pretty much fuel up my car all on my own by simply removing the gas cap and leaning backwards. It’s my contribution to going green.
A little bit about me:
- My full name is Andrea Chamberlain but I’m usually called Andy, unless my mother is pissed off as all get-out and then it’s AN-DREEEEEE-A accompanied by a freakishly high eyebrow arch.
- I’m a stay-at-home mom.
- Speaking of kids, I have two of them. Zoe and Helena. Both girls. One’s a teenager. Hey Mom? About that karma thing? I TOTALLY GET IT NOW.
- I have a tendency to treat inanimate objects as if they are capable of cognitive thought.
- My washing machine dances all over the laundry room when it thinks I’m not looking. We recently purchased a new front loaders. I’m calling them “Arm” and “Leg.” They’ve replaced my old ones which I affectionately called “F” and “U.”
I’m married to a tall, dark, handsome IT guy named Nate who is on a mission to buy everything off the Internet when I’m not looking.I am recently separated because the man I loved for fourteen years has disappeared and has been replaced by a psychotic imposter. I’d write something witty and funny about this predicament but honestly, there’s nothing funny about it. It’s pretty devastating. Moving on …
- We don’t have pets because I was relieved of poo duty years ago. Due to a momentary lapse of lucidity, we now have Oliver, a seven pound shih-poo who poops behind the couch. All I can say about that is at least he doesn’t eat it. That would be a deal breaker, much like it was with my kids when I brought them home.
- I am 5’2″ with freakishly pointy elbows.
- I’m prone to letting an expletive or two fly. To the surprise of many including myself, my youngest daughter’s first words were not “shit shit shit.”
- I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs. Now.
- Time travel causes my brain to throw up, but somehow, I can’t tear myself away from LOST pretty much any programming on Bravo because who knew botoxed housewives could be so morbidly fascinating? However, none of them time travel. So this entire bullet point makes no sense. But that’s OK. Consider this a trial run for the rest of my blog.
- I’m a self-proclaimed enigma.
Like it? Share it! Karma rocks: